Need help getting started? Unlock your own day journey to a more meaningful life. The amount of time the apology takes depends on the nature of the offense and the reparations you plan to make. Apologizing for an offense is an important step towards forgiveness and reconciliation.
But not all apologies are equally effective. In an effort to avoid blame, we sometimes offer apologies that are hedged or incomplete, and these half-baked apologies are less likely to be well-received.
In some cases they may even backfire, fueling hurt and resentment. Apologies that include these elements are more likely to be effective because they satisfy the psychological needs of the offended person. They can give the offended person an opportunity to express their feelings and grieve their losses, and in some cases they can contribute to a sense of justice.
A sincere apology can also reassure victims that they are safe from further harm, making them more likely to trust the offender again. Lewicki, R. An exploration of the structure of effective apologies.
Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9 2 , Participants rated apologies for a trust violation as more effective when they contained a greater number of the following elements: an acknowledgment of responsibility, an explanation of what went wrong, an expression of regret, an offer of repair, a declaration of repentance, and a request for forgiveness. An acknowledgement of responsibility and an offer of repair were the most important elements, while a request for forgiveness was the least important.
Aaron Lazare, M. Lazare, A. Making Peace Through Apology. Greater Good. What an Apology Must Do. A heartfelt apology may inspire forgiveness.
When you feel hurt, do you forgive and forget, or are you prone to hold a grudge? Take our Forgiveness Quiz to find out. Newer Post: Yes, but…. Find a Location We provide affordable, reliable, and accessible care across Central Texas. Schedule an Appointment Easily schedule your appointment online at one of our locations in Central Texas. When confronted about the issue, the job candidate apologized for their mistake i. In different conditions, participants read an apology containing either one, three, or all six of the different apology components.
The effectiveness of an apology also depends on the circumstances of the mistake — specifically, whether it was truly an accident or whether rules were purposely broken.
The other half read a scenario where the candidate knowingly filed the tax return incorrectly, a violation of integrity. As predicted, some elements of an apology were far more effective than others. Asking for forgiveness i. In a second study, college students read the same set of scenarios as in the first study. This time the apologies were written to better mimic an actual spoken statement.
Again, participants were asked to rate how effective, credible, and adequate the apology statement was. Across both studies, the best apologies were also the most thorough: The more elements included in the apology, the higher it was rated.
And, as expected, apologizing over a lack of personal integrity was less effective than apologizing for a simple mistake. Lewicki and colleagues note that there are limitations to these findings. Giving an apology even when only a small part of the conflict was your responsibility is OK and often healthy. It allows you to establish what you regret about your own actions but confirms your own boundaries as well.
It's important to be fair in your apology, both to the other person and to yourself. Don't accept all the blame if it isn't all your fault. When you apologize for just what you did, you can more easily move forward and put the conflict behind you, regardless of the other person's actions. When we apologize, we're able to more easily maintain our integrity and forgive ourselves.
The other person may be moved to apologize for their actions as well. While getting an apology is often nice, it's important to remember that this doesn't always happen. Trying to evoke an apology from the other person is a manipulative tactic that sometimes backfires.
Apologize for your own peace of mind and the other person may be inspired to do the same. But be sure not to apologize just because you expect an apology in return. Although apologizing can be a way to maintain integrity and move on from actions we're not proud of, most of us also want to repair the relationship and be forgiven.
Sometimes this doesn't happen. If the apology was sincere and included the necessary ingredients, your chances of forgiveness are greater, but sometimes the other person just isn't ready or able to forgive and move on. Or they may forgive you but remain guarded. Or they may not realize their own role in the conflict. You can't control their response, and if you've done everything you can, let it go for now.
Verbal apologies are appropriate under most circumstances, but making amends in writing can also have its benefits. Many people experience discomfort with a face-to-face apology, and while this discomfort alone isn't a good reason for a written apology, it can be a factor—especially if your discomfort affects your ability to express yourself. Writing out your apology in a letter, email, or even text can give you the time to thoughtfully craft your apology, making sure to accept responsibility, express remorse, and reaffirm boundaries.
On the other hand, written apologies may be too formal for some mistakes and not personal enough for others. And if the written apology isn't followed by a response, you may be left with an unresolved conflict.
In general, you'll be able to tell if your apology was accepted if the person took the following steps:. It's important to remind yourself that even if someone accepts your apology, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're ready to forgive you. True forgiveness may take some time, so stay calm and be patient. Genuine apologies aren't always easy, but that can be an important part of mending or maintaining important relationships.
With empathy, an open heart, and a dose of courage, you can take the steps you need to make a sincere and honest apology. Struggling with stress? Our guide offers expert advice on how to better manage stress levels. Get it FREE when you sign up for our newsletter. Schumann K.
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